"Utterly" Disfunctional

Yup, it's true I am "utterly" disfunctional. I have had 4 kids and was not able to successfully breastfeed one of them. With my oldest Sunshine I made it 3 miserable, horrible weeks. I thought I was going to have my life sucked out thru my nipples! It hurt so bad and I would cry and cry each time it was time to feed her. I can still remember that night (well early in the morning) when we finally decided to break down and give her a bottle.....I cried a deep heart wrenching sigh of relief, and from that moment on I got to be the loving connected Mommy I desperately wanted to be but couldn't because of how much pain and agony was building from trying to nurse. I think she even let out a sigh when we gave her that bottle. Then we both slept for a long time (well a long time with a newborn in the house anyway) and it was such a relief to finally be able to let myself heal and enjoy this bundle of joy. It was such a big weight off my heart (literally in some ways beings my boobs were like milk jugs).

Then came Spud Man, I wanted to try again because I knew breastfeeding was really the best.....I did considerably better with my determination and commitment and I made it much longer with him....still cried, still never got used to it, still hurt so incredibly bad that I had to do something different after about 4 weeks. I decided to try pumping/expressing the milk and give it to him in a bottle. That worked! I managed to do that for 3 full months! I was so proud of myself because I found a way to get him that milk without having to torture myself with the agony of breastfeeding. I was able to pump ample amounts of milk in a short amount of time only several times per day which was heaven compared to the non-stop nursing he liked to do. I was able to control the pain because I had full control over how much it hurt when pumping and it worked for me. I set a goal for 3 months and I did it!


Then came Tobers, same thing, I tried so hard to breastfeed, another several weeks of torture, I felt like such a failure why won't my breasts work like they are supposed to? I read all the books, watched all the movies and yet I still could not make the pain go away, I was told by experts he was latching on correctly and that is "should" not hurt........but it really really did!;( So again I turned to the pump and feed option. This time I wanted to do better than the last time and I did! I made it 4 whole months!

Then came baby number 4, Whippersnapper. I said "I have got to make this work, I must have been doing something wrong before." So I geared up for another round of breastfeeding......(by the way has anyone told you that the more kids you have the worse the afterpains are while nursing? Ya, you might want to check into that before you sign on for another one....just FYI) I did it I took the pain, I gritted my teeth, I took deep breaths, I cried, I hyperventilated, I tried relaxation techniques, football hold, cross over hold, traditional, it all hurt! I even went back to the hospital for appointments with a lactation specialist....she said he was latched on well and that I was doing everything right and again it should not hurt. Well it did, it really really did! So eventually I did the same thing....pumped and fed in a bottle, I was like Bessy the milk cow...I pumped while riding along in the car, I pumped in bed, I pumped watching TV....I had so much milk stored in the freezer we were overrun! I could sit and pump 16oz-24oz 3 times per day! I was a milk producing machine! So I pumped and pumped and saved and caluclated how long the stash would last and finally at 6 months I was able to stop pumping and continue to feed him some breast milk for another month or two along with some formula every few bottles to start to get him used to that as well! Yessiree I made it 6 months as a milk cow! I was inspired by the amount of money I was saving on formula and that he was getting mommy's milk even if it was not in the traditional means.

So ya, I guess I am "utterly" disfunctional but I'd really like to think I made up for it. I can relate to any milk cow out there milking machines and all. Oh and like when we were kids and walked uphill in the snow both ways to school.....I used a manual breastpump almost the entire time. (No Joke!) Those electric ones scared the crap out of me!!! Oh and don't think for a minute that I was at all obsessed about finding the right breast pump either.....I only ordered like 3 before I found the right one but that was after hours and hours of research and reading reviews.....turns out the good old manual one from my first child was the one I went back to every time! I refuse to admit I was obessed, really.

So there is my child nourishing journey....truth be told I am envious of people who got the natural experience of nursing and got to enjoy the bonding and special moments (without the pain) because that was something I really wanted and did not fully get. I still think I did the best with what I was given though.